You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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