we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
