it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
