You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
