p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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