I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
