I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
