i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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