I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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