fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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