I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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