normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
