Is it normal to miss your booty call?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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