my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
