Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
