Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Randomize