The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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