I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
