So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
I think my vagina is haunted
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
