I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
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