so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
