I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize