you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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