I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
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