I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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