No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize