We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
