so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
