i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
