Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
