Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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