Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
