I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
