My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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