The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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