I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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