Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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