I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
