Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
