My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i love accidental penises.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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