she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
If I die, sorry about rent.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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