I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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