I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
