She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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