My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
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he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
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We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize