the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
