I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
