One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Randomize
