dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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