And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
