I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
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