toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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