u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Randomize
