I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
