somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Randomize
