I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
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We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
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Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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