boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
