matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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